many phases down the line [entries|friends|calendar] a kiss in the shape of a bullet [ website | pertinent_ ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[18 Apr 2005|05:31pm] [ mood | great! ] [ music | Library! ] I'm on livingston right now waiting for people from one of my classes to show up so I can watch this movie and get out of here in time for my 7:40 class back on College Ave. I was only fifteen minutes early, and still the first person here. It had me worried that perhaps I was on the wrong campus or something else typically Ashley. My professor knows my name, score. I brought a book so I could be productive (and because I can't find the charger for my mp3 player ::frown::) but of course, here I am, at a foreign computer, updating because I have an addiction to livejournal. I suppose it could be worse - it hasn't even really been interfering with my schoolwork lately. So where did we last leave off? I had an amazing week and a half, and the trend is still continuing, thank goodness. The latest that I have woken up in the past two weeks was at 11:30, and that's only because I was home on a fantastic mattress. In addition, I've been managing to stay on top of my schoolwork, for the most part, and, you'll never believe this but: I bought bathingsuits. Notice the plural. They fit and I don't fee; *too* whaley. Haha. There is a lot more that I want to address, but I'm going to head on into the viewing room so that I can watch this movie and get this show on the road so that I am not terribly late to my next class. 5 kisses| pull the trigger

[09 Apr 2005|09:43am] [ mood | content ] [ music | The best mix cd ever, made for me by the best boy ever <3 ] So, I've been awake since 9am and I am not really certain why. I mean, I *do* have a lot of crap to work on, but I always have a lot of crap to work on - it seldom ever stops me from sleeping until at least 11am. In fact, all this week I have been waking up at decent times that are much earlier than I am used to. I went to see Most Precious Blood last night [and a whole slew of other bands] with Erick, Brian, and Nick. It was definitely a good time, especially since I haven't been to a show in forever. I am learning slowly that my brother is crazy, but in a good way. In other news, I graduate in about a month or so. I guess I'm excited, but I think I'm more confused than anything else - I am at such a loss as to what comes next. All I know is that I need the summer and I need to not be holed up in this room for very much longer. So now I have reading to do, I shall go. I'll quite possibly update later. 2 kisses| pull the trigger

[23 Mar 2005|04:49pm] [ mood | looking foward. ] [ music | Copeland - Love is a Fast Song ] I think I'm ready for Spring Break: The Sequel or maybe I'm just antsy for graduation? I think it's a combination. Once 9:00pm rolls around all I have to worry about is my 11:30 class tomorrow morning. Once that's done with I have the pleasure of runing errands with the most attractive boy on the planet [I'm a bit biased]. Then my tattoo gets finished and we meet my parents for mexican food dinner [yum!]. Then we go home and play poker! Hooray, I get to hustle my parents! Then I get to sleep on the comfiest mattress in existence! The next day I get to go the beach and see Alanna! Best day ever! Saturday I anticipate sleeping and pretending to get work done. Sunday is Easter! Momma is making me vegetarian lazagna! Then, when Nick gets out of work, I get to go over to his house and spend some Easter time with him! However, it is not 9:00pm yet, which means that I must study for my music theory exam and 7:40 and pretend that I'm not looking at new Copeland lyrics instead. 6 kisses| pull the trigger

[13 Mar 2005|02:42pm] Spring break! Overview of my plans: Bowling! Sleeping on my wonderful mattress. Some studying and reading. Seeing Nick! Maybe shopping. Doing what I do best: whatever I want. :P Call me and we can play! 2 kisses| pull the trigger

[23 Dec 2004|12:26am] Wow. I knew that things could get bad but never - never ever did I think that it could be this wonderful. 1 kiss| pull the trigger

[30 Nov 2004|05:23am] [ mood | I deserve a cookie, bitch ] [ music | Bayside - If You're Bored ] I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! I JUST FINISHED MY SEMINAR PAPER! 13 kisses| pull the trigger

[24 Nov 2004|01:13pm] [ mood | old! ] It's my birthday! I am twenty-one! This means I'm an old fart. Today will be fun, picture post at one point soon. <3 11 kisses| pull the trigger

[19 Nov 2004|11:53am] [ mood | content|slowly letting go ] [ music | Murder by Death - Im Afraid of Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf ] Sometimes I'm a dummy. A good night's sleep cures almost all of life's ailments. [Except for wanting to see certain people. Time is the only thing that can bring that happiness]. Darren came up from Deleware last night, so him, Phil, and I went to Friday's where we were joined shortly thereafter by Nick [two days ahead of schedule!]. Our waiter was probably the worst waiter I have ever had. It was kind of an interesting experience though and none of the other stuff mattered because I got to see Nick. [Yeah, I know you all want to throw rocks at me. Screw you guys]. After food, Dar and Phil marvelled at the doors on Nick's car and then we locked Phil in. Then I came home and passed out. It was a long day. --- Even though deadlines are getting frighteningly closer, it feels as if my weeks are getting progressively longer. I know I've said it before [and dear God, please, I am begging make this be different than last time. Than all the last times. All I am asking for is to not be disappointed] but I'm kind of looking foward to being home soon. I even think December has the potential to become an awesome month. [This, says the girl who doesn't like winter?] --- School is crap. I've officially decided. If I were going to be a doctor, then I'd understand its purpose. But honestly here, I'm an English major. How will reading or not having read certain texts have a bearing on my employability? It's a ridiculous concept. Then again, I think money is a ridiculous concept, so I could always be wrong. 2 kisses| pull the trigger

[16 Nov 2004|09:31pm] [ mood | dilligent|still scared ] [ music | The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight ] This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue. Hesitating, constantly over-thinking. It's what I don't say and how it comes out that mean everything. Little pauses between words gaps that don't even last an entire second but say everything that I can't. One day, I'm not going to be capable of keeping all of this inside - torrents of scrambled words will just be forced to break upon your ears the receiver paper there's no predicting when it will loose itself. But I can feel it in the works and it feels like it is quite possibly the most confusing thing I've ever had to think about. Not in a negative way. I'm still at a loss for words, so please try to ignore the unintended connotations. I need to learn to trust the worth of others' words as much as I trust mine. It's just that I am soso careful with every last word I say and even those I censor but manage to lead you right to their gates anyway. It's just so hard for me to believe. All the quirks, all the nerdiness, the useless analyzation of words I couldn't make work in my wildest dreams. Right now is all I want. [censored by logic. now isn't the time for this] --- When I woke up this morning, it was a good day. I had a really good night's sleep and I woke up refreshed. Went to class, but not before I talked and laughed with mama and daddio. I was fairly productive for most of the day, and as of right now I am just taking a quick break from my seminar paper [oh yeah, you read that right, guess who finally decided to start the damned thing?] before I go to Applebee's for cheap food and really, really good company. I feel maybe as if I've been neglecting friends lately to which I feel really bad about. You guys are my life and I cherish and appreciate you more than I could ever say. Thanks for always being around for anything I could conceivably need. 3 kisses| pull the trigger

[09 Nov 2004|01:21am] [ mood | scaredclosetrusting. ] [ music | Copeland - Coffee ] Apparently I am not quite as slick as I think I am + "You're fun" doesn't cover up my mumblings. I guess in all, I'm more thankful than anything else. I'm becoming progressively more honest - things come out even if I'm afraid it will change things. Hell, things come out even if I'm afraid. It's like I'm on my tiptoes. --- Today I had a midterm that had two essays one of which I wrote comparing Polyphemus (Cyclops) + Hitler. Then I bummed around + spent way too much money on make-up. OH! Aaaaaaaaand, I get to see Glassjaw! Whoo for upcoming birthdays! Whoo again for my tattoo appointment being in 17 days. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I have a 9:50 in the morning. Scheduling that class was a badbadbad move on my part. 8 kisses| pull the trigger

[06 Nov 2004|05:25pm] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | Converge - Shingles ] Remember when I said this? All I'm left with is one foot on the ground. One stubborn little foot sized six and a half that is soso scared of falling. --- Yet while that foot is planted firmly winds are coming from every concievable direction. Some cold and violent - trying to force the one foot back down. But the strongest is the warm gentle one. The one that embraces and acts as a reminder that the fall is what makes you come alive. While my balance is unstable, I am feeling more comfortable than ever before. Metaphors are fun. -- "I know I feel a change is happening- Something good will happen... We can make it happen" Points to you if you can identify that. Now with that out of my system, its time for schoolwork. 2 kisses| pull the trigger

[01 Nov 2004|01:09am] [ mood | better ] [ music | From Autumn to Ashes - Reflections ] I think that my life runs in a somewhat cyclical nature. Patterns especially repeat. Some uncertainty followed by an [insane] rush of good. I was saying today how scary it is because for once I've invested myself into the situation. Then I just get all [meaning most] of my doubts blown away. I hope it's just in passing. --- I got my right nostril pierced today. I am progressively getting closer to everything. Baby steps. 3 kisses| pull the trigger

[31 Oct 2004|01:55am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Jimmy Eat World - For Me This is Heaven ] There's always this stupid fine line. "You could lose yourself in your courage" This isn't caution. I'm so fucking melodramatic. It's like Polyphemus, all or nothing, no inbetween. pull the trigger

[29 Oct 2004|02:56am] Is it normal that I am the happiest ever and yet, I want nothing more than for it to be freshman or sophmore year of college all over again? Even though hands down this year is shaping up to be the best? Even though I can assure you that Freshman year is most likely one of the most miserable times in my life? I want to transpose all I have and know now to back then. I feel really old and that I'm running out of options. pull the trigger

[27 Oct 2004|01:02pm] You're the Tortured Intellectual! Take What sort of Hipster are you? today! Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p> You're sensitive, you're emotional, and you wonder why everyone else in the world exists on a different plane. You cannot eat, breathe, or sleep without analyzing each action to death. You're usually sombre, depressed, lethargic, but you can be nearly glad from time to time. You wear whatever you can find on your cluttered bedroom floor. You carry books, notepads, reading glasses with you wherever you go. You have friends, but only a few who truly get where you're coming from. You frequent coffee shops, libraries, and the less crowded bars. You're obsessed with past people, past ideas, past lives. You wish you could die and be reborn as Jack Kerouac. pull the trigger

[26 Oct 2004|12:50am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Kingdom Hearts ] So this is why my dad is the best, I tell him I'm stressed and this is his response: Dad: stressed is when you dont have food to feed your family or dough to pay the mortgage Dad:u dont have to be stressed yet because even thiught you may disagree with me there is nothing in you r life right that should be causing you that stress Dad: the worst that can happen is that you get a bad mark which in the grand scheme of things is absolutly nothing trust me Dad no one ever looks at you r permenent record ash unless your a felon Dad: and 1 point of grade average dont mean poop 9 kisses| pull the trigger

[22 Oct 2004|12:02pm] [ mood | Iamsosoafraid ] Today is a sad kind of day + I'm not really sure why. I went to class + made a decent presentation, got my midterm back which I got a B+ on - technically, everything is fine. However, on the way back from class I looked up at the [remarkably] clear sky + I just felt really sad. --- I don't want all of these advancements to go to waste. When he says words that would generally scare me if said by anyone else I find myself nodding in agreement. I'm still fixated on the fact that those three monosyllabic words were able to pop out without forethought or my permission. It represents something I'm sure. --- When I say the world, I mean it [we all know I am not one to mince words]. These little reflected gestures that make my body explode with warmth. [this makes it sound somewhat dirty. I mean it in a gentle i-can-tell-you-care way that warms me from my heart outward]. When I say nothing else, I mean it. Center frame, every second. --- I seem to be going through a somewhat cryptic phase. I know you can tell what [who] I'm talking about + you can unravel the feelings attached to all of it but some things are just so specific. --- It's never been like this. I've never been ready to be less posessive of myself: to give myself to someone else + mean it. To let past aches stay where they belong [while still letting him know so he gets a sense of me] but I've gotten to the point where my heart can lock them out. [Might I mention, the irony here is almost funny. Devastated but I'm the one I'm the one who-- it's not even worth adressing. But I'll be damned if you think it was + always has been 100% of my indecision + my "intent" to mislead]. In any event the word complete is an accurate description. So is smitten. It just feels right that I'm learning + growing under these circumstances. Like I've finally been given the chance to find things out but on my terms + without being stifled. Time to get back to the real world. 2 kisses| pull the trigger

[14 Oct 2004|10:35pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Murder by Death - Until morale improves, the beatings will.. ] Bored and tired. I had a nice talk today and I am glad to say that the majority of the nervousness has abated. Life is good. Still. I'm amazed. 3 kisses| pull the trigger

[09 Oct 2004|11:38pm] Remember before when I said I lied? I think I was lying. -- The past two days have served to re-enforce the idea that I am not a robot. Beach + city. The two places that I feel really help to foster my growth[?] Where I feel like I fit somewhere as well as circumstances in my life have been fitting with me. Where I feel like I can go continuously and accomplish what I want on my terms. Over the past two days I have felt so connected. Not only that, but the feeling that anything I touch I can make work [or fall to bits depending on what I want]. -- I can't emphasize how much I feel that I am finally on the right path. Little clues or big confessions that seem to make sense in the context of where they reside. Hopefully, I'll get up the energy and procrastination to do a photo entry at some point tomorrow. [Life has never engaged me quite like this] pull the trigger

[06 Oct 2004|10:17pm] [ mood | happy ] I wore my favorite socks today. It was a good day. :D 2 kisses| pull the trigger

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